My heart was filled with hatred.
Four things happened around the same time to cause this.
1: My (first) husband had an affair and a baby with another woman. 2: After their baby was born, my own mother would babysit for them telling me "It isn't that baby's fault that he was born.” I had not been able to have children and this situation playing out before me crushed me and destroyed my relationship with my mom for many years and it obviously destroyed my marriage.
3: During this same time, my step-father also had an affair with my 17-year old cousin who was living with my parents to "get her life together." Her own father had committed suicide and she was sent to my folks for a time of healing. Instead, my step-father began a process of introducing her to alcohol and then abusing her until she was under his control. They told no one where they were going and ran away to Canada for two weeks.
4: My mother was broken-hearted, embarrassed and yet accepted him back into her life when it became apparent that my cousin finally came to her senses and went home. I was so angry at both of them. Were there no consequences for doing wrong? The standard I’d always been held to demanded it. I was “punished” constantly growing up for every little thing. It enraged me that my step-father came back home with no hesitation by my mom.
After these things happened, I was filled with rage and a murderous spirit. As hard as it is to believe it of me now, I wanted to kill both of these men – literally. We all lived in a small town and I could not take the gossip and disgust shown by friends and fellow employees, so I went to live with a friend in a town 3 hours away. This friend had met Jesus since the last time I had spent time with her. She witnessed to me for many months with it falling on deaf ears. Finally one night I agreed to go to evening church – just once - as there was a band playing that night (Daniel Amos.) I was in the car behind her when she was hit in a head-on accident. When I got to her car, her face was streaming with blood and she asked me to pray for her. I did not know how to pray and she made me promise I would go to that church service we were on our way to. The EMT’s assured me she was not seriously injured, that all the blood came from her mouth hitting the steering wheel. So I decided the least I could do for her was to go to the service that night. While there, a member of the band came to me and said “You need to know a good man, who is a good father.” He then introduced me to a man and a father that would never betray me, or embarrass me, or make me wish he was dead. I met Jesus Christ who cleansed me of my hurt, my feelings of betrayal and gave me a new life and filled my heart with love.
Three years later I met and married my husband, Kurt. We met in church and have been in love with each other and with Jesus for the last 33 years. He is the man of my dreams who makes me know how much God loves me by giving a sinner like me such a wonderful man to live out my life with. I am so blessed!